The Amanda Ann Family Christmas Special

Our hero, in the small hours of Christmas morning, is complaining:

 “What a load of old shit this Christmas business is!”, he muttered.

 “What with Mrs Slagg announcing our engagement to all and sundry, and that bore Madonna joining us for a real British Christmas!”

Things were looking grim for the old man.

 Though the freeloading pop star, not thinking much of her Christmas present, brought the old buzzard great cheer!

  Mind you, he didn’t think much of his own!  
“Lidel’s Finest Plonk, was it?”, he mumbled sagely.

“Ssh, Charlie!”, Mrs Slagg hissed.

And although she tried not to show it, Mrs Slagg was pretty underwhelmed with her own!

“That spoilt brat Lavinia got everything of course.
The latest computer and Banana phone or whatever those things are called!  She needs taking over her father’s knee, if you ask me!”

“Once again, I was shushed by my ‘fiancee'”.

 “And as for that snotty woman, Marjorie, she, of course, got every finery that Bond Street had to offer”

“My own (illegitimate) son, to his credit, was perfectly happy with his 20 Craven A’s”.

“Despite that cow, Marjorie, being permanently in Harvey Nicks, Paul now stashes away every cent he can.  No more undiginified moonlight flips.”

 “Meanwhile, my Mary was not too keen on her new cake, while Mara’s present seemed to be wildly over the top!”

” I smelt a rat!”

“I was cheered to see the Amanda Ann’s were not too keen on Madonna’s present to them”.  

 “Those place mats (imported from Bergdoff’s) were a little vulgar, but they remained polite.”

 “Oh good, Lord Posh is here!  He’ll liven things up!  He seemed truly pleased with his bottle of wine, and it was drinks all round!  Funny, how true toffs are easily pleased with so very little.”

“Oh bloody hell!  Dinner’s served.  I’ll just take my usual place at the end, shall I!”


 “Oh Madonna!” , Paul explains, “You cannot sit next to me, this seat is reserved for my (true) father”

 This did not go down well, and the ageing pop star stormed out.

“Hope you don’t mind, old man”, Paul chuckled, “Thought we could celebrate our first Christmas as Father and Son.  Rather tedious, that wrong side of the blanket thing – what?!”

 “Found I didn’t mind in the least.  Perhaps Christmas wasn’t going to be so bad after all.”

 “Happy Christmas to one and all!”

The Amanda Ann Family wish you all a very happy Christmas

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