“What-ho! Spring is here! Happy Easter and all that. Looking forward to spending some time with the old family – what???”
I greet Mary cordially:
“Planning to do the old Easter Egg hunt with your chap, Wilfred? (From the Beano). What!”
Unfortunately, Mary had a huge hangover from the church do the night before:
“Fuck off!”, she growled.
Well, that was bloody charming! The miserable cow! On a brief stroll outside, I encountered Mr Slagg (aka my true father).
“What-ho, old man! When are you going to name the day? Make an honest woman of our Mrs Slagg!”
“Bollocks to that!”, he
mumbled as he slumped through my front door, a face like thunder
Miserable old basket!
So I amble into the kitchen to sweet-talk Mrs Slagg into a second cup of coffee. But she was having none of it:
“Oh do be careful, Master Paul! This is Bella, my best scrubber!”
“Oooh, I say!”, I spluttered,”She looks such a nice girl too! Oh, you mean the floors?! arf arf!”
“Yes! Now clear orf! (you posh twat!)”
I sighed. Servants just don’t give you the respect nowadays. I decided to go and see my lovely wife:
“What-ho, Marjorie! Spiffing Easter Bonnet there, I expect!”
“Oh, do give it a rest, Paul! Go and watch Homes Under The Hammer, or something….”
Needless to say, I got equally short shift from my beautiful daughter, Lavinia, when I suggested we tuck into a jolly old Easter Egg together:
“Oh, do fuck off, Daddy! I’m on a diet! (again)”
Well, this looks like a bally mishog Easter after all. Stuff it! I’m up the pub!
“Oh Paul, I’m sorry”, Marjorie says
“Me too, Sir,” Mary adds, “Have some Easter cake”
“That Gin makes me awfully barky,” Marjorie went on, “Why don’t we both give up our vices? You could pack up your fags”
“What??? Fuck off!”
Happy Easter from the Amanda Ann Family