Heather Moulson

During the past few months, Lavinia had grown up a lot.  

However, she did not know what to do with this baby thing, so she went down to Mary, to ask the young mother’s advice:

“I say, Mary, what does one do with an illegitimate brat?”
“Why!  Give them cake, miss Lav!”
said the maid cheerfully.
Lavinia thought it best to go to the local baby clinic.  

 On the other hand, better just to leave it there with Mary, she’ll never notice.

 Like Marjorie, Lav was in no doubt that Mary’s children were her half-siblings
– or were they?  Lavinia smelt a rat!

 Meanwhile, Marjorie was taking being a grandma very badly indeed

By sheer chance, Lav popped down to the kitchen once again.  Only to be met with an unwelcome encounter…

 “‘ere Mary, give us twenty…. oh hello Posh Piece!”
“Melvin!  You bastard!” , Lav cried.

 Melvin (over a few beers), puts heartbroken Lavinia in the picture.
“Look, it was good and all that.  And your plummy voice really got me going, but Mary’s me bird and mother to me kids!”

Lav runs back to the kitchen.  
“Mary!  You little mare!  I knew they weren’t Daddy’s children!”

Mary goes pale

Lavinia runs to her father in the drawing-room 

 “Papa!  I have something very significant to tell you!”

“Can’t it wait, my pet?  The Inbetweeners are nearly on.”

She finally captures her father’s attention, and tells him of her discovery in the kitchen.
“Don’t you see, Papa?  Those awful brats are not yours.  You don’t have to include them in your will and everything”

Paul sighed: “Look, Lavinia, I knew full well they were not mine.  Especially as Mary gave birth to them only six months after our – erm – union”

“And the real truth is, my sweet, that I have grown rather fond of the little blighters.  So I’m having Melvin arrested, and the children adopted into the family.”

“And as far as the will is concerned, my pet, there is sod-all to leave anyone.  Except this house, and the plastic furniture.  Which, quite frankly, is far more comfortable than that draughty shit-hole country estate you were raised on.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, Deal or No Deal is about to start!”

“Ratscocks!”

Lavinia wakes up with a heavy heart, and goes to talk to her mother (still in bed)

“Oh?”, Marjorie says scathingly, “Still going for those drinks of water, is he?”

Marjorie had not been so self-absorbed as Paul presumed, she had seen Mary’s brats for herself.  She knew who their father was …

“But Mama!  Daddy says you had lots of drinks of waters in Italy!  Was it very hot there then?”

“Umm yes, darling.  You could say that.  Now, before I go back to bed, are you home for dinner?  Or are you hanging round McDonalds again, throwing chips at pensioners?”

“Oh, Fuck knows!”, Lav replied.  
She was so unhappy and confused – and lonely.

 She confides in her new friend, Gillian.
“Oh, I’ve done it lots of times!”, her new pal boasts.
“Done what?”, Lav asks
“You’re a scream, you are!  I’ll get you together with my mate Melvin, off the estate, he loves posh birds!”

“Oh, an estate. Super! We had one of those once!”

So, at a wild party on this estate place, Lavinia met Melvin across a crowded room (almost)

 And for the doe-eyed Lavinia, it was true love

Melvin’s ardour was hard and demanding.
“So this is what a snog is”, Lav thought

 “Oof!  Ahh!  This must be what true love is!”, Lav thinks “Oh!  Is that it?”

“How wonderful…… I think..”

Several months later:

 “Ratscocks!”

Next week:  Lavinia grows up fast, Marjorie gets out of bed, and Paul receives a revelation

Part Four: same time, same channel

 Since Marjorie’s return from Italy, she has taken over the marital bed, and I sleep on the chaise lounge.  Which is pretty grim.

So it’s little wonder I turn to Mary for comfort.  
(Once she’s put the kids to bed)

But one night as I make my way down to the kitchen (where Mary sleeps):

“Oh Papa!  Where are you going?”

Lavinia was standing there.  
“Just to get a drink of water, Petal-Pie”, I tell her

“But Papa!  You make such a noise down there.  And why do Mary’s bedsprings creak so?”

Her painted blue eyes full of uncertainty and doubt.

 
“She has bad dreams, my pet.  I have to comfort her”
Despite it being the other way round, it was true in a sense.

Lav eventually went to bed, but with great misgivings.  
And I went too – to Mary’s bed, that is.

I’m sure I could almost love Mary – if only she put down that fucking cake!

Next installment, Lavinia finds out about love for herself, and Marjorie is a bitch

Part Three, same time, same channel

Life with the Amanda Ann (Louis Marx) Family
(Part One)

We are the Amanda-Ann(Louis Marx) Family

 We once lived in a very large house, with an estate and servants and that.

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 Unfortunately, due to father’s drinking and debts, we have had to rather reduce our circumstances.  However, things could be worse.  We’ve found a reasonable place in a leafy part of West London.  

 But try telling my wife, Marjorie, that

She has not taken our cards-on-the-table chat very well.

 There will be no going back to the family estate now.

 My daughter Lavinia, like all fourteen year olds, hate the world.
Luckily, we managed to get her a place at the fashionable Waldegrave girls school.  

Sadly, she has fallen in with a rough crowd

And Marjorie really tries to say the words : “State School” to herself

And fails……

This is Mary, our faithful serving wench.  Her speciality is cake.

Lavinia never eats with us.  She hasn’t got an eating disorder, she’s just embarassed to be seen with us.

 The (badly in need of repair) kitchen is Mary’s domain.

 Among other things.  Ah, yes, I can explain……

 My wife actually hasn’t noticed Mary’s offspring as she has just returned from a failed tryst in Italy with a young lover.  One from the grand days.  I knew it wouldn’t last.

 Marjorie sits and gazes at her ex-lover’s picture constantly.  
“The stupid bastard wasn’t even good in bed!”
She reflects dreamily

 “Even the fucking piano’s out of tune!”

“Aw Mary!  Not more fucking cake!”

So now you know.  And if things are looking grim at the moment, they get grimmer.  
Tune in next week, same time, same channel.

 End of Part One