“Oh, my love”, I exclaim, “You absolutely cannot do that! All those rough and half-naked pirates!”
“And your point is…”,
I did the best I could:
“No, my wife! I forbid it!”
“Well really! One doesn’t expect such bad language from a Lady!
Anyway, the cow’s gone overseas, and here one is, a single parent on Christmas Day. No mater figure for these poor mites.”
“Where the fuck’s Christmas dinner?”,
My delicate Lavinia pipes up.
“It appears Marigold has gone into labour, and Mrs Slagg is assisting with the water birth”
Eventually, Mrs Slagg enters the dining room:
“The fucking turkey’s ruined, Sir, but you have a baby boy”
I am overcome:
“This is the best present of all. God Bless Everyone!”
“That’s not a bloody turkey!”
“Nit – I mean, Alfie. One had better telephone Pizza Hut!”
“Lord Posh enters;
“Congratulations, old thing! Brought your bally wife back! Crying by the docks, she was!”
“Oh Paul,” Marjorie explained tearfully,
“He abandoned me once he found I had no fortune of my own!”
“Come, Marjorie”, I said gently, “Let us sit round this wondrous infant, and wish everyone a Merry Christmas”
(Before the pizza delivery).
Happy Christmas from the Amanda Ann’s.