Heather Moulson

 A message from the Amanda-Anns :

There are some exciting new posts by Paul and Lavinia over on 
paul’s passions and lav’s rants 

Have a good time!!

Our hero, in the small hours of Christmas morning, is complaining:

 “What a load of old shit this Christmas business is!”, he muttered.

 “What with Mrs Slagg announcing our engagement to all and sundry, and that bore Madonna joining us for a real British Christmas!”

Things were looking grim for the old man.

 Though the freeloading pop star, not thinking much of her Christmas present, brought the old buzzard great cheer!

  Mind you, he didn’t think much of his own!  
“Lidel’s Finest Plonk, was it?”, he mumbled sagely.

“Ssh, Charlie!”, Mrs Slagg hissed.

And although she tried not to show it, Mrs Slagg was pretty underwhelmed with her own!

“That spoilt brat Lavinia got everything of course.
The latest computer and Banana phone or whatever those things are called!  She needs taking over her father’s knee, if you ask me!”

“Once again, I was shushed by my ‘fiancee'”.

 “And as for that snotty woman, Marjorie, she, of course, got every finery that Bond Street had to offer”

“My own (illegitimate) son, to his credit, was perfectly happy with his 20 Craven A’s”.

 “Meanwhile, my Mary was not too keen on her new cake, while Mara’s present seemed to be wildly over the top!”

” I smelt a rat!”

“I was cheered to see the Amanda Ann’s were not too keen on Madonna’s present to them”.  

 “Those place mats (imported from Bergdoff’s) were a little vulgar, but they remained polite.”

 “Oh good, Lord Posh is here!  He’ll liven things up!  He seemed truly pleased with his bottle of wine, and it was drinks all round!  Funny, how true toffs are easily pleased with so very little.”

“Oh bloody hell!  Dinner’s served.  I’ll just take my usual place at the end, shall I!”

 But…..

 “Oh Madonna!” , Paul explains, “You cannot sit next to me, this seat is reserved for my (true) father”

 This did not go down well, and the ageing pop star stormed out.

“Hope you don’t mind, old man”, Paul chuckled, “Thought we could celebrate our first Christmas as Father and Son.  Rather tedious, that wrong side of the blanket thing – what?!”

 “Found I didn’t mind in the least.  Perhaps Christmas wasn’t going to be so bad after all.”

 “Happy Christmas to one and all!”

The Amanda Ann Family wish you all a very happy Christmas

Well, Melvin walked out of our lives as quickly as he walked in…

 Or slumped out, rather…

And Poshie has a new filly, a mature, if fading, pop cum movie star.

 We’re talking about a spot on my TV show.  Well, we’ll see….

Meanwhile Lav’s moved her lesbian lover in.

 Stroppy old thing.  Quite militant.  And they’re always in the bloody bedroom!  No!  I don’t want to know!

On the whole, life was peaceful again.  However there was one more score to settle….

At the end of a late summer evening, in the television room, I said to Marjorie softly:  “Time for bed, my love.”
“Oh what ho!  Goodnight then.  I’ll turn off the lights when I come up”
“No, my sweet,” I said gently, “I meant together.”

  Marjorie froze in horror, but she knew I was right.  It was the only thing to do if we were going a make a go of this marriage.

We rushed like  billy-o to the sitting room.   Marjorie promptly necked a bottle of Gin, where I put away twenty Craven A. 
“We’ll just go to bed like always, Marjorie, – only this time, with each other”, I laughed nervously.

“Paul?,” Marjorie asked through a fug of Gin
“Yes, my pet?”
“Have we moved house again?”

“Oh yes, my dear.  That nice Director General at the BBC bought it for me.  
They carried you in here last week.
Decent chap.  Pleased with the old show, what?
So get lots of gladrags, Marjorie, nothing but showbiz dinners from now on.”
Marjorie sighed with contentment.

By the time we got into bed after lots of talking, Marjorie fell into a drunken slumber, and I had a chesty cough.
“We’ll Do It later, my pet”, I said
“Much later,” she murmered, a smile on her beautiful face.  

So there you have it.  You have been with us through both good times, and bad times.  Mainly Bad. 
Now the road generally seems clear for the Amanda Ann’s.  
However, watch this space, we haven’t quite finished yet!

Thank you for watching The Amanda Ann Family Show.  

You may now touch that dial!!!!

“Oh, hello there, Poshie”, the strange couple said. 
“Well, m’boy,” Lord Posh addressed Melvin, “Can you explain yourself?”

“Ummm…”, said the young gun, backing into the wall.

“Perhaps you’d like to start by explaining to the Amanda Ann’s the exact name of the Borstal you attended?!”

 “Umm…. Eton.”, the youth muttered

 “Oh, spiffing!”, I chimed in. “My old place!  Is Basher Harris the PE master still there?”
But I was silenced with a Look.  

 “So,” Lavinia (having heard every word) said,
“You’re a Toff.”
Her voice dripped disgust and betrayal.

“Naw, Lav babe, listen!”
said the youth, trying to dig his way out of a never-ending hole.

“Look who he’s skyping.”  Lord Posh said quietly, resting his case.

“No, babe!” Melvin shouted desperately.
“I’m just mates wiv his brother!  We help his grandad stop saying rude things to Chinese people and that.”

By now, Melvin was in a very deep hole indeed.  




 “Bugger off, Melvin!  
I hate you sooo much!!!”

The young, unlucky-in-love pampered princess screamed.

 After a brief embarassed silence, Melvin’s posh dad cleared his throat:

 “Well, we best be off, old boy.  Unearned income doesn’t collect itself and all that.”

 Marjorie, suddenly very sorry to see Melvin go, sat forlornly in the music cum dining room, when Lady Bragg approached her:
“Goodbye Marjorie.  Your house is charming.  Will you come for tea on Thursday?  Our address is number 7, Mayfair.”
Marjorie glowed, and agreed instantly.
 She was finally back on home ground.

As Melvin walked out of our lives, Poshie turned to his former fiancee;
“I’m sorry I had to do that to you, my sweet.  It was for the best.”

“That’s alright, Poshie,” Lavinia said, 
“It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Nor would it with you..”

“You see, Poshie, I’ve become a Lesbian!”

Surely not our Lavinia?
Has she really gone the other way?

Will Lord Posh never get his hands on her again?

Don’t miss the final installment!  Same time, same channel!

Do not Touch that dial!!!!


  For more insight into The Amanda Ann Family, interviews and that, click on this :lifewiththeamandaannfamily.weebly.co.uk

That night, in his luxurious Mayfair flat, Lord Posh slept fitfully.  Where had he seen that boundah Melvin before?

Stumbling down to breakfast, it suddenly came to him – yes, of course!!

Before Lord Posh could  burst into the Amanda Ann household unannounced, Melvin and Paul were having intense Breaking Bad talk.  The elder of the men trying not to admit he was enjoying himself.  After a lifetime in a household of women……

” ‘Scuse me, Majorie old gal”, Poshie puffed as he burst through the door, “need to use your telephone….”

 “Er – yes, Poshie, if you so wish.”, Marjorie answered, bemused.

After a brief conversation, he gathered Paul and Marjorie together:

 “What the hell is going on, chum?”  Paul enquired.
 “I have taken the liberty of inviting round Melvin’s parents!”, the pintsized, blueblooded toff announced.

“What….?”, said Melvin, overhearing from the top of the stairs, his acned face contorted with panic!

“Oh no!,” Marjorie exclaimed, 

 “We’d better lock away the (remaining) silver!”

“Oh, that won’t be necessary, my dear.”

The doorbell chimed:
“Mary!”, Lord Posh commanded, “Answer the door!”

 Mary did as her former lover required, then nearly dropped the cake!
Surely not…..

 Two imposing figures entered the modest hallway.  
“Good day to you.  We believe our son Melvin is here.”

 “Good Grief!,” Melvin’s potential father-in-law exclaimed in a bemused fashion, “Your parents are posh!!!”

Whatever is the meaning of this?  Melvin not being common after all!!!

Tune in same time, same channel to reveal the truth about the pimpled young rogue.  

Don’t touch that dial!!!

Mary was not pleased to see the father of her children lounging around like Lord Muck in her employer’s home. 

 “Ai say, servant!”, he began, “Some Vienetta if you please”

 “Shut yer cake’ole!  You sound ridiculous!”
“I’m posh now, don’t you know – what? Gonna marry the daugther (when she’s 18)”

Mary ignored the last comment. 
 

 “And I don’t suppose it’s occurred to you to visit your children at the local borstal!
Some father you are!  And now, you’re about to start another one!”

 “Naw!”, the young man explained, “She just said that to piss off ‘er old man.  Matter of fact, she’s on the Blob, and gone out wiv ‘er mum to get Tampax and that”

 “So,” Melvin leered, “Why don’t we get ourselves up those old stairs?  That’s wot toffs do, don’t they?  They shag the servants.  It’s their right and that.”

 “Oh, Master Melvin!  Were they YOUR balls I just put my knee in?!  An’ have some fuckin’ cake while you’re at it!”

 The young gun crawled in agony through the house.  “I’ll have you sacked, my girl!  Pack yer bags this instant!”
“Bollocks!”, Mary replied. 

 Melvin found his potential father-in-law, and explained about the servant’s insubordination.
Paul sneered.  “Oh, you mean the mother of your children.  Now do be quiet, man, Breaking Bad is about to start”

“Breaking Bad?  I LOVE Breaking Bad, me.  I mean, Yo!”
“Extraordinary!  Yes, it’s about two chaps cooking or something.  Are they about to open a restuarant then?”

 

“Who the hell painted these bannister’s pink?!”

 I was not in the best frame of mind.

 “Now, why don’t you go out for a nice walk?

 And take Mara with you”
My wife had a strange relationship with my current lover/friend.  

 So to please my nagging wife, me and Mara entered into the great outdoors.
I strode on, regardless.
“Puff!”, said Mara
“Don’t call ME a puff!  Oh, I see….by the way, Mara, you can be a producer.  Apparently, you have to sleep with several people first.  I’ve got a list on me.”
Mara brightened at this prospect.  Was the whole world sex-mad?, I pondered gloomily.

 Marjorie and Lord Posh sneaking out to some Gin Palace in Soho, Mara and I crept home.  

Tea was served.  “For Gods sake, Mara, I can’t eat Mary’s cake all on my own.  Sit down please.”

Mara came over and held me.  She told me that Lavinia would be alright, and that she would come home when she was ready.   So how about she help me find that list?  We melted into each other, the cake forgotten. 

“Phew!  That was wonderful, Mara.  I shall miss you.”
Mara didn’t argue.  We both knew that that would be the last time.  Now she had that list, there was no stopping her.  Such spunk, that girl.  
Suddenly, the front door opened.  We sat up abruptly:

 It was my little girl, returned to the fold.  Only she had a rather unsavoury accessory with her.
“Oh papa!  You’re not Doing It with one of those horrid servants again, are you?!”

“Don’t you talk to me like that, my girl!”
Now I was really incensed, “Where have you been for the past five days?!”

 “Melvin and I have eloped!  And I’m carrying his child!  (again)”
“Aaarrgh”, I replied.

Has the evil Melvin bewitched our Lavinia once again?  Has he really got his feet under the table now?  How will Paul tell Marjorie?
Will Mara get to the top of the list?

Tune in, same time, same channel….
Don’t touch that dial!!

Of course, there had been things…..

 Such as Lavinia’s increasing coldness to her much older fiancee….

 …. and no more nightly visits to her bedchamber.

So, late the next evening, I set my own little trap, and awaited in anticipation.

 And my patience rewards me, as they both climb the stairs to Lavinia’s room.

 “Papa!”, Lavinia exclaimed, horrified.
“Awright, mate?”, Melvin greeted me cockily

“Lavinia, off to bed.”, I said calmly
“Papa!  You don’t understand!”, she shrieked.
“Oh I think I do.  Come and join me in the conservatory, Melvin.”, I said quite amiably.

 I smiled warmly at the boy, but my eyes stayed cold.  
“Got a fag, mate?”, Melvin ventured
“No.”, I said, “Now, Melvin, what’s it going to be then, eh?  A rifle up the jacksey, or a bashing from Mrs Slagg?  Which one will make you run faster?”
“Oi!  Mr AA!  I’m a good boy, I am!”
“Fuck off,” I said calmly.  And he did just that.  

 Lavinia did not take this very well.

And brutally broke off her engagement with our closest friend.

So that night, Lord Posh and I raided the Gin and got hammered (Marjorie already passing out).

 And Lord Posh ended up in bed with Mary….

And I, with Mara 
(weekend visit)

 Marjorie, upon coming to, simply smirked.
Better the devil you know, and all that.

But where was Lavinia……?!

Gasp!  Surely she hasn’t eloped with that Melvin?!

Will Lavinia’s parents ever find her?  Will Marjorie ever be sober?  What has that fiend Melvin, done with little Lavinia?!

Don’t miss the next gripping installment.  Tune in, same time, same channel….

For blogs and interviews with these static stars, click the link below:
 lifewiththeamandaannfamily.weebly.com

Part One

What ho!  Simply spiffing to be back – and welcome to Series Four.  Topping news!  Lord Posh managed to wangle more money from our former estate.  Decided to invest it into a super terraced house in the next road!

 Worth 2 million, what?  We couldn’t even give these labourers cottages away at our old place!  Still, good schools and all that.  Extraordinary these middle classes!  

Neighbours look a bit dodgy though!
 

 I’d show you round but I can’t get into the fucking thing.  1/24th scale and all that, what?

Have decided to offer it to Mr and Mrs Slagg.  Can’t keep having them bunking down in the old garden shed – arf!  arf!

 Marjorie, meanwhile, horrified at having to discuss servant’s welfare, stays well out of it.  She simply grills Mary on where I’ve hidden the gin.

 I suspect that Mrs Slagg is far more enthusiastic about the new place, than her partner.  

 “Does it have to be so fuckin’ pink?”, was all he uttered.  
I think the impending commitment to Mrs Slagg is the real bete noir.  Them not being married yet and all that.  

 Meanwhile, my pilot TV show has been well received.  BBC has made the highest offer so far.  

Then my fortune downturned:

 Looking out at the evening sun, before relenting and giving Marjorie her gin, I saw something I didn’t want to see:

 And what I suspected all along……
Melvin and Lavinia together again.  

Will Paul be able to nip this in the bud?  Will Lord Posh turn nasty?  Will Marjorie ever get her gin back?  

Tune in to part Two, same time, same channel….

Don’t touch that dial …..

For more of these great actors, click on this link – 
lifewiththeamandaannfamily.weebly.com
 

Marjorie awoke from her drunken slumber to see her husband sobbing before her:

 Then she saw Lord Posh lying there next to her. 
“Paul”, she said softly, “It’s not what you think.”

 Lord Posh, once awoken, also did his best to dissuade his (disgraced) best friend that this was all above board. 
“Had too much Dubonnet, old chap!  Bally passed out.  That was all.  Don’t sleep with other men’s wives, you know that.”

Paul dried his tears:
“Th – then I’m not too late?”

“Hmph!  Will have to think about that one!”, Marjorie scowled.
“However, there is some good news.  I was going to write and tell you, but now you’re actually here…”